Hadn't been on W27th St. for awhile. I loved the barricades, I thought they were a classy addition. I loved the police on horseback. Whatever. The doors are a hassle, it's pricey, the clubs are loaded with meatheads and models, but the music's good and it's a good time. So every so often, why not?
Besides there was a good reason: my favorite Kenyan was in town and a good friend of ours went to the trouble of getting a table at Cain.
Overall, a great time. But there were a couple of times where we were ready to go to war. At the table next to us were a group of four guys and four girls. The girls were all clearly models, and the guys bridge&tunnel (sure i'm technically bridge & tunnel, but i've never had a bouncer turn me away because i looked it) + one businessman. Buzz cuts, obnoxious, jacked up on 'roids. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until one of the guys grabbed one of the girls by the hair. I'm not talking about a playful little tug that they were smiling about and joking about, I'm talking aggressive and rough. A couple of us shot glances at each other and looked at the other guys in their group with a "wtf". They were like "it's ok, chill out." "Don't tell me to chill out." He let go and kinda laughed it off, though she seemed less than amused. That was the end of that. About 15 minutes later, one of the girls is on the couch and one of the guys goes to help her up, gets her 3/4 up and then pushes her back down. So she goes to get up by herself, he pushes her back down. This goes on for about 45 seconds. And I just can't believe my eyes. It goes past the point of once, twice, three times for a joke. It was just something abusive, some need to establish dominance. It was really ugly and really upsetting. And the looks on the girls' faces were really bad: they were here with these guys and would take whatever they dished out, even if they didn't like it or if it hurt them. They weren't questioning, they weren't challenging and they weren't willing to question or challenge them.
Pretty tough to watch and know that if I jumped in without it being clearly on the verge of assault (i.e. a raised fist), I would have the girl I was trying to protect attacking me as well.
On the surface, I got to thinking of all the models who get abused all day: "you're not skinny enough" "you're not beautiful enough" "you're not smart at all" "you're worthless except for your body" and it's no wonder that they end up with guys that treat them the same way. And then you have the rest of women, who for all intents and purpose get the same sort of abuse on a daily basis, but in a less direct way, and again, it's no wonder how difficult it is to be a woman today. So I'm just standing there thinking how awful a situation we've created as a society and how valuable a woman who knows her true value, her true intellect, her true beauty and can share that with the men and women in her life. Who's strong enough to stand up to those who don't treat her right. And how difficult it is to surpass all those social norms that are forced upon her. How difficult it can be to recognize abuse as abnormal. And it just made me sick to my stomach.
And the guys that perpetuate this. They're disgusting. Many of us sit back and say, how can that still be? Men know that women are equal, so things like abuse and rape can't be happening. Women's Lib thrust women (many of whom at the time were still content to rest in their traditional roles) into an arena where they faced a significant amount of men who suddenly felt they were being challenged. Men had learned to respond to challenges from other men with intimidation and violence. Once women wanted to be treated equally, something went wrong in the male collective consciousness and a number of men said, ok we'll treat you the same. In a society that still held onto a great deal of prejudice and resentment, this manifested itself in intimidation and violence, often physical where the average man has an advantage over the average woman, though it also manifested itself in verbal and emotional intimidation and violence, in an open arena that women did not have as much experience in. Women's identities, regardless of their ambitions were defined by a culture which did not hold them as equals, so things like their bodies and their intellectual capacity could be targeted for verbal and emotional abuse with devastating consequences. Add to this that courts and others turned around and said to these women "You wanted to be equal, so you get no special treatment or consideration," and you have a situation where women are once again at a disadvantage, and with less protection. Women have borne the brunt of male resentment for a long time and seeing it yet again in the year 2007--it just made me angry and embarrassed that guys like these can call themselves men (or human beings) too.
So tell the women in your life that you appreciate them for who they are. If you have friends who are jerks, tell them to cut it out and get past their immature, adolescent need for validation and superiority. And if you have friends who are being mistreated, back them up, support them, and help them break out of it. And more importantly, if you're a jerk, get your head straight and don't mess up another woman's life. If you're a woman mistreated, you deserve better--don't accept less and if you're scared, there are plenty of people who love you and will support you if you try to break free.
So the logical thoughts that might follow suggest one should be a gentleman. One should display chivalry. But I would argue that the philosophies behind those may actually undermine progress. I think chivalry and gentlemanliness can be resolved on a personal basis, but as for mass consumption, they still support a model where the man guides, manages, controls the woman. If you want a better world for your friends, girlfriends, wives, sisters, mothers, daughters, etc. you shouldn't be afraid to say "I'm a feminist." It means you're willing to stand up for women who are at a disadvantage, it means you're proud of the progress women have made, it means you don't objectify or demean women, it means you don't take advantage of any physical strength, it means you debate with logic, not with sexism, it means you recognize the long climb that women have had and consider it in the decisions you make regarding them, it means you cut the machismo, even as a joke, around your friends, it means you look at the word rape and understand it happens daily by what used to be close friends and can be essentially unprosecutable and recognize "no, the woman wasn't asking for it and now she has to live with it for the rest of her life", it means you recognize that some women want to be treated like men (with all of the intricacies of male interaction) and some just want to be treated like human beings and it's up to you to find out, not assumer, the difference, it means you're willing to meet them on thir own terms, it means you love and respect the women in your life. That said, it still means you can be physically attracted to women, that you can still pick up a check, that you can slow dance, that you can give a piggy-back ride, that you can stick to traditions, that you can compete (and graciously accept both victory and defeat)--so long as you don't leverage any of it to establish dominance.
I believe this is an important part of our future: I'm a feminist.
Besides there was a good reason: my favorite Kenyan was in town and a good friend of ours went to the trouble of getting a table at Cain.
Overall, a great time. But there were a couple of times where we were ready to go to war. At the table next to us were a group of four guys and four girls. The girls were all clearly models, and the guys bridge&tunnel (sure i'm technically bridge & tunnel, but i've never had a bouncer turn me away because i looked it) + one businessman. Buzz cuts, obnoxious, jacked up on 'roids. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until one of the guys grabbed one of the girls by the hair. I'm not talking about a playful little tug that they were smiling about and joking about, I'm talking aggressive and rough. A couple of us shot glances at each other and looked at the other guys in their group with a "wtf". They were like "it's ok, chill out." "Don't tell me to chill out." He let go and kinda laughed it off, though she seemed less than amused. That was the end of that. About 15 minutes later, one of the girls is on the couch and one of the guys goes to help her up, gets her 3/4 up and then pushes her back down. So she goes to get up by herself, he pushes her back down. This goes on for about 45 seconds. And I just can't believe my eyes. It goes past the point of once, twice, three times for a joke. It was just something abusive, some need to establish dominance. It was really ugly and really upsetting. And the looks on the girls' faces were really bad: they were here with these guys and would take whatever they dished out, even if they didn't like it or if it hurt them. They weren't questioning, they weren't challenging and they weren't willing to question or challenge them.
Pretty tough to watch and know that if I jumped in without it being clearly on the verge of assault (i.e. a raised fist), I would have the girl I was trying to protect attacking me as well.
On the surface, I got to thinking of all the models who get abused all day: "you're not skinny enough" "you're not beautiful enough" "you're not smart at all" "you're worthless except for your body" and it's no wonder that they end up with guys that treat them the same way. And then you have the rest of women, who for all intents and purpose get the same sort of abuse on a daily basis, but in a less direct way, and again, it's no wonder how difficult it is to be a woman today. So I'm just standing there thinking how awful a situation we've created as a society and how valuable a woman who knows her true value, her true intellect, her true beauty and can share that with the men and women in her life. Who's strong enough to stand up to those who don't treat her right. And how difficult it is to surpass all those social norms that are forced upon her. How difficult it can be to recognize abuse as abnormal. And it just made me sick to my stomach.
And the guys that perpetuate this. They're disgusting. Many of us sit back and say, how can that still be? Men know that women are equal, so things like abuse and rape can't be happening. Women's Lib thrust women (many of whom at the time were still content to rest in their traditional roles) into an arena where they faced a significant amount of men who suddenly felt they were being challenged. Men had learned to respond to challenges from other men with intimidation and violence. Once women wanted to be treated equally, something went wrong in the male collective consciousness and a number of men said, ok we'll treat you the same. In a society that still held onto a great deal of prejudice and resentment, this manifested itself in intimidation and violence, often physical where the average man has an advantage over the average woman, though it also manifested itself in verbal and emotional intimidation and violence, in an open arena that women did not have as much experience in. Women's identities, regardless of their ambitions were defined by a culture which did not hold them as equals, so things like their bodies and their intellectual capacity could be targeted for verbal and emotional abuse with devastating consequences. Add to this that courts and others turned around and said to these women "You wanted to be equal, so you get no special treatment or consideration," and you have a situation where women are once again at a disadvantage, and with less protection. Women have borne the brunt of male resentment for a long time and seeing it yet again in the year 2007--it just made me angry and embarrassed that guys like these can call themselves men (or human beings) too.
So tell the women in your life that you appreciate them for who they are. If you have friends who are jerks, tell them to cut it out and get past their immature, adolescent need for validation and superiority. And if you have friends who are being mistreated, back them up, support them, and help them break out of it. And more importantly, if you're a jerk, get your head straight and don't mess up another woman's life. If you're a woman mistreated, you deserve better--don't accept less and if you're scared, there are plenty of people who love you and will support you if you try to break free.
So the logical thoughts that might follow suggest one should be a gentleman. One should display chivalry. But I would argue that the philosophies behind those may actually undermine progress. I think chivalry and gentlemanliness can be resolved on a personal basis, but as for mass consumption, they still support a model where the man guides, manages, controls the woman. If you want a better world for your friends, girlfriends, wives, sisters, mothers, daughters, etc. you shouldn't be afraid to say "I'm a feminist." It means you're willing to stand up for women who are at a disadvantage, it means you're proud of the progress women have made, it means you don't objectify or demean women, it means you don't take advantage of any physical strength, it means you debate with logic, not with sexism, it means you recognize the long climb that women have had and consider it in the decisions you make regarding them, it means you cut the machismo, even as a joke, around your friends, it means you look at the word rape and understand it happens daily by what used to be close friends and can be essentially unprosecutable and recognize "no, the woman wasn't asking for it and now she has to live with it for the rest of her life", it means you recognize that some women want to be treated like men (with all of the intricacies of male interaction) and some just want to be treated like human beings and it's up to you to find out, not assumer, the difference, it means you're willing to meet them on thir own terms, it means you love and respect the women in your life. That said, it still means you can be physically attracted to women, that you can still pick up a check, that you can slow dance, that you can give a piggy-back ride, that you can stick to traditions, that you can compete (and graciously accept both victory and defeat)--so long as you don't leverage any of it to establish dominance.
I believe this is an important part of our future: I'm a feminist.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home